Tuesday, May 12, 2009

When The Hurlyburly's Done

On May 1, I began to get sick - a very rare occasion for me. By Saturday, May 2 I was in bed and stayed there until Monday doing little else but coughing and nose blowing...at which time I moved to the couch in the library. I alternated between the couch and bed until Wednesday, when I dragged my germy self back to my office. Luckily for my dear work peeps, I have a door I can close. I was also very careful to disinfect anything I touched - I even remembered the door knobs. So far, no one else has gotten sick. That was almost a week ago, and I'm still not well - so I suppose I have to break down and see a doctor. But, what really disturbs me about the last two weeks is the slightly Macbeth-ish fog that seems to have settled itself on my simple, quiet life - like pervasive dust. For reasons I cannot quite figure out, the people around me who are usually in fine fettle and good form, seem a little gloomy. There is, for instance, something bothering our senior partner. A usually gregarious and affable fellow, he has been exhibiting what I can only describe as a "flat effect" for the last few weeks. And Shorty...she's upset and angry that I called her doctor and set up an appointment for the two of us to go in this afternoon and discuss memory problems. (Hers, not mine. Although sometimes I wonder...) Maybe it's just my cold, but in short, for the last two weeks or so, my life seems to have tilted a little off its axis. Torqued, as it were. Strangest of all - I have not wanted to read. I've tried. I pick up a book and stare at the page - but I make no progress. And, I have neglected this poor little blog space. (Not that it's much of a loss to cyberspace).

I believe most people who know me well would call me an optimist, a happy cat who always lands on her feet. But lately, I've been getting the oddest feeling that something is off kilter - out there. I guess I'll just ride it out until this vague malaise wears off - until people around me start getting happy again.

Oh, yes. One other thing. While I was lazing about in bed with a bottle of Vicks tucked under my nose, I had one of those home shopping network TV shows turned on. They were selling make-up. The model, who we were told was 70, stared into the camera looking a sad and forlorn "before." Suddenly and for the first time in my life, I feared death. Don't ask me why my thoughts flew thus...I could not tell you. But the grim reaper...the black crow...is immediately what came to mind. I promised myself that when I go, dammit, I want to go in full-makeup! Ah, yes, "When the hurlyburly's done, When the battle's lost and won." Macbeth 1.1

7 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you've been feeling out of sorts. I know I have been through similar periods of "vague malaise" (great description). I always wonder if it's a hormonal or chemical imbalance, or God's way of telling me that something is not quite right, or something else entirely. All I know is that it always passes, and hopefully it will be sooner rather than later for you! You're in my thoughts.

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  2. Poor Grad! I've missed you. I often wonder whether colds upset our emotional equilibrium or whether an upset in the equilibrium produces the cold. A therapist friend of mine used to call them 'a different way of crying'. Rest up and take care of yourself, and the chances are that if there is something you need to hear or realise or understand, some gentle peace and attentiveness to yourself will bring it right out into the open, solution attached.

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  3. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you've been under the weather! And I'm sorry about that "unsettled" feeling, too. I do understand what you're talking about, and frankly I'm sure it's been even harder to deal with than the cold/bug which at least has a concrete explanation. I will certainly be thinking about you and hoping that things come back in balance soon.

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  4. Janell, Litlove, and Debi: You are all so special. I've been getting back on-line to read your blogs, and am feeling a lot more like myself for doing so. I think a lot of this has to do with worrying over Shorty's increasing memory problems. I think I'm afraid of losing a part of my "Mommy." Also, this damn cold makes it difficult to stay as active as I'm used to. But...baby steps.

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  5. Grad, I am so glad you're back and on the road to recovery if not quite sprinting down it... I think Litlove's right - sometimes these things feel very 'chicken and egg' - but being unwell tends to make everything look shoddier, don't you think? And because you're an optimist and a generally well person, I think these things punch the stuffing out more than if you were a natural sad sack and much more accustomed to disappointment. Also, worries about Shorty will be playing on you even when you're unaware, so I think there are good reasons why you feel a little off, quite apart from the snot.

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  6. Hi Doctordi! You are quite right. I have no patience with being sick and I'm not used to it. The snot! Oh, my God! Where does it come from? They turn corn into fuel, you'd think scientists could come up with something for snot! It's really a very useless bodily fluid, don't you think? :>

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  7. Poor Grad. Sorry you have been ill. I know what you mean about a vague malaise. I've been flirting around the edges of one myself, nothing obviously wrong, just something not quite right. Hope you are well again soon!

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